Ever notice how many things women put into and pull out of their diaper bags? (Tweet that!)
I wrote this monologue, that’s part of a game, for my brother and sister-in-law’s shower. Feel free to use it for your own parties. Kudos to my mom, Denise Litzau, for coming up with the idea.
The sketch is about a new mom who must pull almost 30 objects out of her diaper bag to care for herself and her infant. You can use a doll as the baby or, if you’re brave, a real kid.
After the skit ends, ask the party attenders to list as many objects as they can. The person with the most correct objects wins.
Everything but the Crib
Set -up: Fill a diaper bag with the items listed at the end. Place a doll or a real baby in a car seat on the stage or in the middle of the room.
A woman hurries into the room carrying a diaper bag.
“All right, sweetie. We’ve gotta go. We don’t wanna be late for your doctor’s appointment!”
She puts on ChapStick®, takes a drink from her water bottle, picks up the baby, and kisses him on the forehead. She smells his diaper and her eyes widen.
“Whoo! Let’s get you changed first.”
She puts the baby on a changing pad and then pulls out wipes, Vaseline, and a diaper and starts to change him.
“Oh no—you got poop on your pants! How do you always manage to pick the worst times to have a poop explosion? Oh well. No time to change you now, but let’s just make sure I have an extra pair of clothes in the diaper bag.”
She pulls out a plastic grocery bag with a clean shirt and pants.
“Great! I’ll change you at the doctor’s office.“
She cleans her hands with hand sanitizer, looks back at the baby, and her shoulders fall.
“If it’s not coming out one end, it’s coming out the other.”
She wipes spit-up off his face with a burp cloth and then puts on his hat, shoes, and jacket.
“All right. Let’s go.”
She searches in the diaper bag for her keys.
“Where in the world are my keys?”
As she’s searching, she pulls out a church bulletin, a nursing cover, and a golf ball. She holds up the ball and cocks her head.
(Talking to the baby:) “Say, ‘Daddy, your golf balls do not belong in the diaper bag.'”
At this point, have an assistant start calling the mom’s phone. Meanwhile, the mom roots around in the bag again and pulls out a blanket, her wallet, and nail clippers.
“Ah!” she yells in exasperation. “We’ve gotta go!”
Her phone should ring around now. She pulls it out.
“Mom?” She listens for a moment. “Yes, he’s still crossing his eyes. No, I don’t think it means he’s going blind. We’re actually just about to leave for his doctor’s appointment.” She listens again. “Okay. Thanks. Love you!”
As she hangs up, her assistant turns on the sound of an infant crying. She pulls out a pacifier and tries to stick it in the baby’s mouth, but he rejects it, so she puts it back into the bag.
“It’s okay, sweetie, Mommy will feed you soon. I promise.”
She spots her keys, pulls them out, and sighs in relief. Her dog runs into the room, and she starts to hand him a bottle, but shakes her head and gives him a dog toy and treat instead.
(Talking to the baby.) “Yikes! Look at your nose.”
She grabs tissues and wipes the baby’s nose. Then she shoves everything back into the bag, pops a piece of gum into her mouth, and puts on her sunglasses. With a sigh, she picks up the baby and the diaper bag and rushes out.
Objects in the Order They Appear
- Water bottle
- Changing pad
- Plastic grocery bag
- Hand sanitizer
- Burp cloth
- Church bulletin
- Golf ball
- Nail clippers
- Dog toy
- Dog treat
To make the practices and performance go better than mine did, follow these suggestions:
1.Turn the list above into a cheat sheet and place it near the diaper bag to help you remember to use all the items.
2. Run through the skit several times beforehand with the dog and your assistant.
3. Ad lib where there’s action, but no dialogue.
4. Don’t do a full diaper change. Just fake it the best you can. The more crazy and chaotic this and the rest of the skit is, the funnier it will be.